Size Wise

I've been trying to loose weight.

For anyone who knows me this isn't news for them that don't i have been. At one point i was about 2 pounds away from 19 stone which isn't good whichever way you look at it and certainly not for someone who's in a job where you need to look good so i wanted to do something about it!

So I took matters into my own hands and with no exercise (save for walking back and forth between the three game shops in Stockport to get 10p off the price of a three year old xbox game) I used a modified version of the Atkins diet. One where your breath doesn't stink and your not running the risk of chronic kidney failure, and the upshot is that I've dropped 4 stone!

Yay me!

Unfortunately its meant that I've had give my wardrobe a rethink and as anyone who knows me more than five minutes will know I'm more likely to spend my cash in one of the aforementioned game shops instead of in Top Man. As a consequence, I'm still stuck with styles that are a good few years out of date and now too big! So I've gone shopping.

Only, and this is the kicker, I'm still the wrong size! Yes I'm still hefty but I'm now able to get into a large and apart from George (at ASDA natch) i can't get into any other large that anywhere else sells without looking like a bag full of pudding. My problem is that I'm in the odd size part of the size scale and I'll explain what I mean.

For men off the rack tops (shirts or whatever) are measured by chest size (in inches) and collar size (for shirts really and also in inches) so that a size is calculated to be between, say, 42-44 across the chest. I'm 45 which means that the XL makes me look like I'm wearing a big top and the large gives me a cleavage that Jordan would kill for as my moobs are squeezed together. I need the middle ground, tighter round the waist but looser on the chest but they don't exist!

I saw some cracking tops in Matalan but they needed to be that ONE INCH larger to fit me perfectly but the next size up could also have filled with hot air and floated home so I gave up on the whole thing and went to Pizza Hut with my girlfriend to enjoy tasty carbohydrate and saturated fat.

I've come to the conclusion that if I want to look good I'm gonna have to get off my ass and exercise but even if I get down to the size of Russel Brand (Who, lets face it wants to be Captain Jack Sparrow) I know for a fact that whatever clothes I buy still wont look good and also that they will, 20 minutes after I put them on for the first time, also get a hole in them.

Still, at least I know that I'm better at Gears Of War.